Smear Campaign: In your opinion, two people, who if screwed, the apocalypse would come?

Margaret Cho: Miley Cyrus and John Travolta.

(Smear laughter roars.)

They are in that movie “Bonk,” or whatever, and I think there is supposed to be a romantic interest between them. It’s an animated movie for kids and I’m like, “what the fuck.” Miley is supposed to be a kitty and John is a dog and there is a romantic connection between them. If those two did it, I think the apocalypse would come, but I think she is great and he is actually a friend of mine so it’s weird saying that.

SxCx: In 1995, what was your favorite accessory to wear or favorite article of clothing?

MC: In 1995 I had just come back from England and brought back a bunch of vintage clothes and I liked to wear little stripy school jackets. I was really Harry Potter, before Harry Potter.

SxCx (aside): In honor of Harry Potter.

SxCx: We find telescopes pretty boring. What is something you find really boring these days besides telescopes?

MC: Any kind of national garden or any kind of ‘grounds‘.

SxCx: What is something you are really proud of getting away with?

MC: In the late ’80s, I was a high school dropout just getting into comedy. I was walking around the San Francisco State campus and there was a sign for “America’s funniest college student.” Since I was about the right age, but wasn’t enrolled in any school I still entered and won a huge prize.

I got to open for Jerry Seinfeld in Daytona Beach during Spring Break. I was seen by MTV and all these other people and it was a huge hype and a huge lie. After the gig Jerry Seinfeld said, “You know you are so great, I would never tell anybody this, but you need to drop out of school and become a comic.”

Then many years later I ended up befriending some of the people who ran the contest and I told them it was a lie but they didn’t give a shit. You know, in the ’80s and ’90s you could really get away with shit, but after 9/11, you really can’t get away with shit.

SxCx: How many degrees away from Kevin Bacon do you feel on a daily basis?

MC: Not very far. You know, I see him kind of a lot. I’ve been in a bunch of movies with other people who have been in movies with him.

SxCx: So you are almost a degree away from him everyday.

MC: I could tell you how many degrees right now. I directed a movie with Tamlyn Tomita who was in a movie called the “Joy Luck Club,” and there was an Asian actor in it who is in a show called “The Closer.” Kyra Sedgwick is the star of “The Closer,” and she is married to Kevin Bacon.

SxCx: What is your most gnarly period story?

MC: I have a gnarly period. I have a really heavy flow. I think I have a really big uterus and a lot comes out. I’m also like a dude, so for some reason I forget I have one. I am also against any kind of tampon or pad. I’m really into using The Keeper, which is like a shot glass you put in there.

SxCx: How do you take that out?

MC: I take it out but it pretty much explodes all over everything. Then you have to put it back in and it’s messy and I never pour out enough and it just explodes out. It’s kind of gross. I’m really looking forward to menopause because I don’t think I am going to have children and my periods are so giant, and I don’t take birth control or anything so I don’t have any sort of regulation there.

SxCx: Were you ever a pad wearer or have you always had that shot glass up your twat?

MC: I use the shot glass but it never really works.

SxCx: Is there a tattoo you almost got that you are really glad now that you did not get?

MC: At one point Janeane Garofalo and I were going to get matching tattoos on our arms of a cross with a frog on it. I didn’t have any tattoos back then and looking back, I am really glad we didn’t.

SxCx: Toto and I were going to get matching wheelchairs on out butts but we decided not to and I am really glad for that.

SxCx: What was the last argument you had with your mom, and who won the battle?

MC: My mother and I don’t really fight, we are very close. We are more about ganging up on people. That is what she and I do, we gang up on people and then manipulate. It is very Asian. We whisper and whisper and gang up on my dad or my brother and we totally two-time and intimidate. We are like a little, little, little mafia.

SxCx: What kind of person intimidates you?

MC: Tattoo artists. There is one tattoo artist who has tattooed me many times now and he intimdates me because I don’t have the ability to do it. In general painters and tattoo artists are people who inspire a lot of fear in me; It is a thing I cannot do and I wish I could. I am a person of letters and not of images.

SxCx: If given one stick of dynamite what would you get more pleasure from blowing up, the “Everybody Loves Raymond” set or the “The King of Queens” set?

MC: I actually have friends on both of those sets so I would feel very badly…

SxCx: You could give them a warning, but Romano stays.

MC: I think Ray Romano is hot. You can tell he has a big dick. I just can tell.

SxCx: What about that tall goofy guy, kill him!

MC: Brad Garret is such a darling. He is the kind of person that would give you an envelope full of a thousand dollars because he is that kind of dad guy.

SxCx: So the answer is “The King of Queens” set.

MC: I guess so, but I like Leah Rimini and Patton Oswald is a very old friend so I’d feel bad.

SxCx; It looks to be that our fifteen minutes is up. We just want to say thank you so much and we will see you on Monday.

MC: Thank you. Bye.

Looks familiar, right? Not really. You have no idea how uncomfortable everyone in this picture is.

Estelle Getty, in her “Golden Girls” years, was afflicted by an extreme case of identity confusion. She repeatedly showed up on the “Roseanne” set, in stonewashed jeans and t-shirts, ready to play Darlene’s role. She demanded to have this photo taken and the cast agreed, to postpone drama. More on this sad and terrifying life story to come.

This morning, the ladies of Smear interviewed Margaret Cho by telephone from the Four Seasons Hotel in Toronto. The topics at hand were gnarly periods, apocalyptic fucking and Kevin Bacon mathematics. Interview clips and transcript to follow after Tom Sawyer really paints that fence.

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Featured in Issue #12

Smear Amendments – Updated codes on ruling the schoolyard

Hope for Heroes – Guitar heroism is ruining our nation

Ninetendo Master – Sick, sad poetry from twisted teen minds

Crazy Backstage Demands – Who ordered all these cases of Dr. Pepper? Find out for yourself

Fax Me In My Darkest Hour – This is not a test

Tubular Haters – Definitely give yourself a pat on the back for effort, guys

Sink or Swim: Jamless Playlist – If you ever wanted to be a fly on the wall during a taping of Dawson’s Creek, this is your last, best chance

Quarreling with Care – Sometimes it’s not easy to see the abuse

Stages of Lilith – Lisa Loeb pens a thrilling account of her days and ways at the legendary fest

Kiss and Tell Me Everything – News about Lohan and DJ Ronson that TMZ would kill for

More pages after the jump